I Understand Who I am

Posted in Uncategorized on ottobre 2, 2013 by calduta

winter-loneliness-lonely-girl-600x375I was in the winter of my life…and the men I met along the road were my homely summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself dancing and laughing and crying with them. Three years down the line of being on an endless road toward and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me…and my only real happy times. I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful writer. But a plan and a series of unfortunate events saw those dreams dash and divide like a million stars in the night sky, that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken. But I didn’t really mind it because I knew that, that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it, to know what true freedom is. And when the people I used to know found out what I’d been doing, how I’d been living…they asked me why, but there’s no use in talking to people who have a home.  They have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people…for a home to be wherever you lie your head. I was always an unusual girl. My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality. Just a hint of indecisiveness that was just as wide and wavering as the ocean. And if I said I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way, I’d be lying…       
I was born to be the other woman. I belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone. Who had nothing, who wanted everything. With a fire for every experience, and an obsession for freedom, that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about it. And pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people. And finally I did, on the open road. We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore. Except to make our lives into a work of art.
Live fast…die young…be wild and have fun. I’ll believe in the person I want to become. I believe in the freedom of the open road. And my motto is the same as ever. I believe in the kindness in strangers. And when I’m at war with myself, I ride. I just ride.
Who are you? Are in touch with all of your darkest fantasies? Have you created a life for yourself, where you can experience them? I have. I am fucking crazy. But I am free.

just ridecopy right Lana del Rey 

許されざる者 / Urusenai / unforgiven

Posted in Uncategorized on giugno 6, 2013 by calduta
191158969_640Life seems to repeat itself in different ways but still the same…
I think i’m a good person, friend… not perfect but i try to be one… it s just…. I’m not forgive material… i don t know how really … i try over and over to get over things… i just find myself fighting… 
I try forgive him …. the cheating… the delusion of a family … get over it we try one more time… we try…  but we end just like it  should be ended long time before … hurting each other…  I couldnt get over it… i couldnt forgive him for nothing… i end despise him for the lies … for not having friends for listen to him…trust him… not it s over… for this i learn not roll over ever again… not fall in love… i learn to defend myself and for this i thank him.
I try to forgive her more then anything… i couldnt see that she was near me only when she needed company… we share a lot… i loved her … i trusted her…she knew all my dark secrets and yet… she did it… she betray like all of them… i could give my life for her ..  but still i couldnt forgive a betray like that… the lies again… “trust me… i would not do this is our code ” she was lying to herself … now she ended up being alone … the only person that cared about her it s gone… thanks to hear i learn not to trust ever again no one… not even myself… 
images
I once imagined a place
Where I would come around
I`d build this place like a church
With all the things I foundThis place would be like a home
That loneliness has made
It`ll be just like a hotel
Where no one ever stays

Now there`s a crack in my heart
Where all the dirt gets in
There is a face in my mind
That I can`t face again
So I run And I run from the place where you said I should stay and was gone
Cause there`s nothing to say if there`s nothing that I could have done
i will say one more time screaming and shoulting that I WILL NOT FORGIVE AND FORGET… 
 

when i write

Posted in Interviuri on maggio 23, 2013 by calduta

Writing-writing-27456811-500-374it s 00.24 and i hear a heavy rain… i’m reading all the stuff that i write ( not all are pubblic) i stoped writing, i started again and stoped… it s not like i have a full time job or i don t have inspiration to write what i feel in that moment… the problem is that with this fucking beautiful life sometimes i just forget to feel.. to be alive… I don’t want that anymore, i put myself always second … first the persons i care and then like always they forget about me and my stupid feelings… I ve change a lot since i write the last time ( don’ t worry the base still there ) but now i become more mean than i though i ll ever be, a lot of bad things happen … you know life🙂
I have a new motto be more selfish, feel more and my favorite don’t commit in a relationship , the feeling of being inlove with the butterflyes brings you always a lot of tears… i tryed so hard to be a normal person it s just not meant for me, after a while i realize that i m not inlove anymore and i keep going, keep being commited in that relationship even if i m unhappy just not to hurt him… that was the old me !!! i will not stay with a person if that person is not making me feel something (anything!!!)
I want to feel alive… i’m not asking much, i don t have goals anymore that s how relationship makes me… being dead on the inside…
I’ve missed the game to play/flirt with boy just for the fun of it… well i m back in the game, Stay tunee for new post of my point of view and feelings🙂 my english is getting worst

asteptari

Posted in Interviuri on maggio 22, 2013 by calduta

Expectations-v-Reality

binenteles ca toti avem asteptari de la viata, de la iubita , de la prieteni, de la familie… etc …
Dar cand cunosti o persoana, o vrei , o doresti, vorbiti va cunoasteti, glumiti, vreti sa deveniti fuck buddies , vine momentul tare mult tanjit de amandoi… In care totul a iesit cum nu trebuia sa iasa… cum asteptarile n au fost pe masura …
EL : “Poate o dezamagesc, poate nu fac fata … ” ganduri pierdute prin emotia stranie de nervozitate … O dorea, o vroia doar pentu el de atata timp a asteptat … glumind cu prieteni ascunzand grijile … crescandui ego – ul facandusi curaj sa urce sus
EA : ” Daca nu i plac? daca nu sunt asa cum se astepta el? zgomotul apei ii ascundeau temerile … alegandusi cu grija imbracamintea sa nu fie nici imbracata de strada dar nici prea vulgar … cerandui sfaturi despre cum ar trebui sa fie … nu mai era asa sigura pe ea cum mereu a dat de inteles … asteapta

Sau vazut si au inceput sa vorbeasca sa nu si ascunda temerile … au incercat sa fie stricti doar la actul in sine dar sa se gandeasca unul la altu numai la ei nu… fuck buddies = sex egoist … si totusi dupa incercari, glume, rasate … sau uitat unul la altu si au fost tandri … prea tandri … n au terminat dar sau simtit bine… Il conduce afara inca tremurand is iau larevedere
El : “Am dezamagito? oare unde am gresit ? mergand acasa … grabit sa intre in casa sa uite … sa ascunda dezamagirea asteptarilor … inca o mai vrea … dar teama de a dezamagiri il face sa se retraga …”
EA : “Nu sunt chiar asa frumoasa, nu stiu sa fac nimic … inghitind sec se gandeste unde a gresit , asteptand vizite doar ca sa si ascunda dezamagirea asteptarilor ”
Sunt inca la inceput neavand experienta cu prea multe asteptari sa nu dezamageasca, timpul au devenit mai siguri pe ei , au reusit sa si indeplineasca asteptarile devenind prieteni foarte buni si fuck buddies

Negare

Posted in Interviuri on maggio 6, 2013 by calduta

LSAT Blog Necessary Assumption Questions Negation Test
Suntem predispusi sa negam, sa nu acceptam adevarul sa gasim tot felul de scuze dar de ce ? D c pur si simplu ne agatam de o speranta d c negam ca sa suferim mai mult? speranta moare ultima wtf cand s a decis, s a decis nu poti spera nu te poti iluziona ca totul o sa fie bine ca inainte sau mai bine … Iubirea este principala problema a tuturor
Inceputul … inceputul e mereu frumos si perfect, construiesti amintiri , imparti sentimente , parca esti o persoana mai buna, te schimbi , plutesti … simti ca traiesti te gandesti ” ce frumoasa e viata” plimbari , planuri , prima cearta te simti mizerabil, prima impacare parca respiri din nou …
Cu cat avansezi in relatie cu atat deveniti mai uniti mai “caznici” cu timpul se uita fluturasi… cu timpul viata te ia cu alte probleme (majoritatea financiar) numai esti asa fericit/a, numai te simti apreciat/a, implinit/a etc… te revezi cu prieteni vechi dati uitari in euforia relatiei … depanati amintiri … retraiesti libertatea o vrei , o doresti … incepi sa iesi singur/a odata de doua ori si cateodata se intampla sa uiti sa te opresti, realizezi ca te ai indepartat …
Despartirea : Cine a ales sa plece se simte vinovat dar eliberat vede totul cu alti ochii se simte fericit dupa multa vreme, spera la ceva mai bine considerand alegerea facuta una buna.
Cel parasit … nu crede, nu realizeaza ca totul s a destramat, legat de amintiri inca cauta aceasi persoana care numai este, planurile sau spulberat, iubirea a devenit un ecou in suflet, incepi sa i “calci ” pe urme sa vezi unde s a pierdut sa o / il aduci inapoi… negarea ca nu se mai intoarce face totul sa fie mai bine … pe moment
prieteni/rudele te compatimesc … nu poti sa stergi amintirile … tine minte cei slabi se vor intoarce mereu chiar daca se vor intoarce iubirea s a spulberat in “lacrimile inimi” si a ramas doar o alta negare ca nu v ati despartit ca nu a fostu cu altu/a si iluzia ca inca mai iubesti si totul o sa fie ca inainte… relatia va fii de fatada voi tot despartiti ati ramas …

Pierdut in ecou – First Song

Posted in Uncategorized on luglio 29, 2012 by calduta

Nu cauti o anumita melodie, dar te gaseste ea pe tine… sau in cazul de fata un album … sa exprime exact ceea ce simti …

 

Ai fost aceea fundatie
Niciodata nu va fi alta, nu
Am urmat, aşa luat
Asa am condiţionat nu as putea niciodată să dau drumu
Apoi durerea, apoi de boală
Apoi şocul atunci când sareai pe mine
Atat de gol, aşa vicios
Aşa frică incat nu mi am permis sa vad
Ca nu o sa fiu niciodata sustinut
Ma dau inapoi, nu, o sa ma tin
Verifica repul,da stii calea mea ferată
Uita de restu si lasa-i sa-mi cunoasca iadul
La naiba,m-am întors da, povestile mele se vind
Mentine sus respectul veteranilor lor le va ramane
Lasa-i pe restu sa spuna povestile lor
Ca am fost acolo spun…
Si aceste promisiuni rupte
Foare adanc
Fiecare cuvânt se pierde în ecou
Deci inca o minciuna ultima pot vedea prin ea
De data asta insfarsit pot sa te las sa
Pleci, Pleci, Pleci
Testati-mi vointa, testati-mi inima
Lasa-ma sa-ti spun care sunt sansele sa te ridici
Toti fiti duri, eu voi fii inteligent
Cum va merge pentru toti acolo in spate?
Am vazut acea frustrare
Cruce mare, sunt pierduti dar nu stiu
Si neclintind m am intors inapoi
Dezamagit, am trait si am dat drumu
Si acum poti sa le spui
Numai pot retine, ma detin
Nu pot fii suparat, Nu pot fii calm
Nu pot sa cant plat, nu este tonul meu
Nu ma pot retrage, am ajuns prea departe
Ma mentin sus si imi iubesc cicatricile
Lasa sa sune clopotele de inel oriunde ar fii
Pentru ca am fost acolo spunand…
Si aceste promisiuni rupte
Foare adanc
Fiecare cuvânt se pierde în ecou
Deci inca o minciuna ultima pot vedea prin ea
De data asta insfarsit pot sa te las sa
Pleci, Pleci, Pleci
Nu, Acum poti sa le spui tuturor
Eu nu dau inainte, Eu nu dau inapoi
Eu nu ma rostogolesc nu stiu cum
Nu ma intereseaza unde sunt dusmani
Nu ma poti oprii, tot ce stiu: Fii Dur
Nu o sa uit cum am ajuns asa departe
Si de fiecare data, spunand….

Nu detin nici un drept, Drepturile de autor Linkin Park 

You were that foundation
Never gonna be another one, no.
I followed, so taken
so conditioned I could never let go
Then sorrow, then sickness
then the shock when you flip it on me
So hollow, so vicious
so afraid I couldn’t let myself see
That I could never be held
Back up, no, I’ll hold myself.
Check the rep, yep you know my rail
Forget the rest let them know my hell
Damn, I’m back yep, my stories sell,
Kept respect up the vets stay their,
Let the rest be to tell they tale
That I was there saying…
And these promises broken
deep below
Each word gets lost in the echo
So one last lie I can see through
This time I finally let you
Go, go, go.
Test my will, test my heart
Let me tell you how the odds gonna stack up
Y’all go hard, I go smart
How’s it working out for y’all in the back, huh?
I’ve seen that frustration
big cross, their lost but don’t know
And I’ve come back unshaken
Let down, I’ve lived and let go
So you can let it be known
I don’t hold back, I hold my own
I can’t be mad, I can’t be calm
I can’t sing flat, it aint my tone
I can’t fall back, I came too far
Hold myself up and love my scars
Let the bells ring wherever they are
Cause I was there saying…
And these promises broken
deep below
Each word gets lost in the echo
So one last lie I can see through
This time I finally let you
Go, go, go.
No, you can tell ‘em all now
I don’t back up, I don’t back down
I don’t fold up, and I don’t bow
I don’t roll over, don’t know how
I don’t care where the enemies are
Can’t be stopped, all I know: Go Hard!
Won’t forget how I got this far
And every time, saying…

Autors : Mike Shinoda 

Friends

Posted in Uncategorized on ottobre 8, 2011 by calduta

Memories… Take me back to something that i lost somehow, somewhere on the way, take me back something that i need somehow… Nu scriu despre vreo “iubire uitata pe undeva” cii doar despre o perioada din viata mea( banuesc ca majoritatea au avut), o perioada unde eram libera, libera de tot, despre cum ma imbracam, purtam, beam, despre cum absolut nu ma interesa nimic despre ce ar zice mama, vecini, lumea din jur. Eram pur si simplu eu, ca radeam, ca ma prosteam , ca beam de fericire sau de suparare, dar mereu am avut prieteni langa mine la bine si la rau. Careee binenteles pe vremea aceea nu prea prestam atentie… Ce?!? Am avut si eu momentele mele de neatentie! Vag ma mai gandeam… Vag eram sunata primul an sa ma intorc…. Mereu am vrut sa ma intorc… Anii au trecut, eu m am schimbat sau cel putin ma mint singura, ma gandeam perioada aceea si la prieteni mei si la ce tampenii faceam, din “eres loca” nu m au scos… Nu am avut niciodata curajul sa le zic Good Bye… Am disparut, mereu cu proasta impresie ca vor ramane acolo, daca se si poate si asteptandu-ma! Nu am avut niciodata impresia ca ii am pierdut… Till now… They are gone, moving on without me… Si abea acuma constientizez ( cuvant greu l-am scris bn?) intr-o oare care masura si eu am mers inainte cu viata mea… Numai ca eu mai ma gandeam cu malinconie.. Cu dor care imi dadea mereu o dorinta de a ma intoarce inapoi… M am intors… Si am gasit empty streets with only a shadow of our time… Probabil ca sunt mai ciudata dar eu tin cu adevarat la prieteni si prieteniile care ne leaga binenteles tre sa ajungi cu chin si vait pana sa intri la cat prieteni. Anyway ideea e ca i miss you, really i miss you and this place is nothing… Pentru Sunny, Pitica, Moon and Xena…